Okay the title tagline is a bit misleading. I was not arrested in honor of my mom’s birthday. I’m telling the story since tomorrow is my mom’s birthday and the arrest just so happen to take place on what would have been her 80th birthday in 2010.
Sorry, mom.
This post was inspired by
.Sudana's story : the Long Branch 5-0 vs me
I told her that I’d get around to writing this story, so here it is.
This story isn’t so much about the setup, but the after party. Put your dancing shoes on because it’s about to crazy up in here. Okay, not really. Just going for buildup. Truth be told, this might be better suited for stand up. There are some weird punchlines in here.
14 years ago, On Thursday, July 15th, 2010, I headed north to Cleveland to meet a friend for a Jonny Lang concert at the House of Blues. We hit a restaurant for food, had some beers, before heading to the venue. Truth be told, I’m not a regular drinker. Never have been and never will be. But I can handle my beer. Or so I thought.
I stopped drinking early in the evening, but apparently not early enough. After the concert, my buddy offered me the couch in his hotel room which I attempted to use for about an hour. When they didn’t work, I made the decision to drive home. Oops.
I felt fine. But don’t we all in these moments? But really, I wasn’t wobbly. No slurred speech. Didn’t feel fuzzy. Just normal. ( Even the following day, when I told my friend what happened, after he stopped laughing his ass off, he said you didn’t seem that bad. Yeah, I know. )
I was halfway home in the two-hour drive back to Columbus when the need for a restroom break kicked in. Dammit.
I hit the accelerator and sped down I-70 looking for the closest truck stop. Before I was fortunate enough to find one, I passed a local highway patrolman sitting in the median. I looked at my speedometer - 83 in a 65. No biggie. Speeding ticket, I thought. It never occurred to me that I could get snagged for a DUI.
I watched him pull out, hit his lights, and since there was absolutely nobody on the freeway besides me, I pulled over and waited.
I’m going to spare you the details of the DUI test. Questions and gymnastics. He put me in cuffs, put me in the back, then asked if I was comfortable. He was a young kid, nice enough. I appreciated that he was just doing his job and was polite. He even said as much to me, thanking me for not making it difficult on him.
We get to the substation and before going through the whole breathalyzer, I ask to go to the restroom. He uncuffs me and points me to the bathroom.
Did the thought of trying to escape cross my mind? No. Who do I look like, Cool Hand Luke?
I blew .09 when .08 was the Ohio legal limit. Ouch.
He tells me the results match exactly with the previous answers I had given. I replied I had zero reason to lie. I get transferred to a local sheriff’s department in Nowheresville, Ohio. Awesome. Truth be told, the officers were all nice enough. Hell, they were probably bored. I mean, it was technically a Friday. But it was still Nowheresville, Ohio. ( To this day, I still have no clue where I was and I’m FROM Ohio. )
They joked with me and gave me “advice” on such matters. Interesting.
“Next time this happens, plead no contest … ,” one of the offers started.
“Whoa, pal. Ain’t no next time!”
Well, at this point, I was given my one phone call. The problem was that my phone was dead. I don’t memorize phone numbers. That’s what my phone was for.
Now, I did know one number. MY EX. Ugh.
Now the good thing is that she knew the girl I was dating. Small world!
I call my ex, wake her up, explain what happened. She didn’t believe me. I then explain that they need to pick me up in the morning, bring $200 impound fee, and the reason she needs to come along is to drive my truck home from impound. ( I actually ended up letting her use my truck for the next few weeks … )
The entire time I’m on the phone, the two officers behind the counter are laughing. I still have the piece of paper where one of them wrote two phone numbers-new girl, old girl.
They take me to my penthouse suite in Club Backwater Ohio Resort. It’s literally across from the desk. There’s a clear plexiglass wall. They don’t even lock me in. I talked to them for an hour before “checking into my room” and trying to sleep on the hard bench.
I don’t think this passes for doing "hard time.”
The next morning, I go before the judge, plead guilty, and request driving privileges. When asked if I need the driving privileges for work, I said, “no, I’m unemployed.”
Not my finest hour.
He issues me a new hearing date, letting me know I have to come back in two weeks for my formal my request for driving privileges. I had to drive one hour, to be in court for one minute, and have my privileges granted. Let’s make it a pain on purpose. Thanks.
So, I go back to my room at the bottom of the Hilton and wait. I was given a breakfast in the meantime, but nothing I would feed to my pets. A little while later, new girl and old girl arrive to pick me up. The officers from the previous night were still on duty and they laughed.
“Someone does not look happy,” I heard them joke. I was the one that wasn’t happy. New girl and old girl were wearing tired, shit-eating grins.
Would not surprise me to this day that the sheriffs on duty that evening still tell stories about the guy who had to call his ex, so he could have her call his new girl.
Yeah, yeah.
We drive to go get my truck. It was the Spanish Inquisition at the hands of two grumpy, sleep-deprived women, who truth be told were laughing their asses off at my expense due to their golden boy-the last person in the world they ever expected to get arrested-had found himself in the slammer.
I caught myself for a moment thinking that on my mom’s birthday, she must be spinning in her grave. But then I laughed and realized that this small blip on the radar didn’t even scratch the surface of my older, significantly more delinquent brother. ( He was a child of the 60s, rebellious as hell, and had been kicked out of the Navy when he was caught dealing hash in Portugal by undercover Shore Patrol. And that’s only ONE of his stories. Dumbass. )
Now the good news in all of this? They waived my speeding violation! That must have saved me at least $100 in all of this. ( I had a $935 fine and my auto insurance TRIPLED. )
Fast forward 14 years : I recently received my passport and Global Entry Pass. At my GEP interview, the agent asked about any criminal background. I fessed up to my DUI. He pulled up the system, looked through all the databases, and then looked at me and shrugged.
“It’s not in the FBI database.”
I just laughed. Good to know, Mr. Customs Agent.
Maybe those two sheriffs in Nowheresville, Ohio pulled some strings as thanks for all the laughs I provided.
I guess we’ll never know.
I fecking'well cringed at that story man. Great and entertaining. Old Girl New Girl. Go fecking you Golden-Boy.
Look on the bright side, your Mum would be proud of you.
I don’t know which part of this I love more- the fact that you had to have your ass handed to you by old girl/ new girl or that your DUI isn’t even in the system. Kudos to you, sir.